I am a student.
I live in portland.
I love... ministry. photography. laughter. being organized. coffee. being a sister. relieving stress. conversation. affection. music. adventure. boys. hugs. friends. drinks. sun. sunsets. dreams. bonfires. bare feet. weddings. naps. cooking. serving.
I fight like hell and get nothing in return but I don’t have the will power to walk away because I would rather have a shit relationship than no relationship.
I get mad at myself for getting my heart broken time and time again because it’s my fault for having expectations in people who I know will never pursue me the way I pursue them.
The reality of my sin is crashing in hard on me today. And I rather not deal with it. It seems a lot easier to turn on the TV and try to fall asleep to the muffled voices of the world.
But God, the most beautiful words ever written.
It is finished.
I have had an epiphany.
This week in counseling I had to explain all of my relationships and sexual experiences up to this point. My first physical experience was forced upon me which little did I know, had set me up to allow that for my whole life. I have over and over let men walk all over me. I chase after them because I have a fear that if I stop, they won’t come after me. I have been taught all my life that having a significant other gives you value.
The reason I always want to control others and shield them from harm is because I never got to make my own choices. ALL of my relationships have been a shameful experience. Nothing I am proud to share with my family. I have never dated anyone worthy of bringing home to mom and dad.
At 16 I was forced to do things I didn’t want to, I didn’t realize I was forced, I was just doing what I thought I had to because he was older. I lowered my standard because I thought having someone, even if it were unhealthy, gave me worth. In reality - it lowered my self worth.
I was forced to drink and smoke because of who I hung out with. All of those experiences were shameful for me. In my head I assume everyone will feel ashamed because that’s how I feel about my experiences. I try and control everyone else because I NEVER made the choice for myself.
It all makes sense now. I associate relationships, drinking, and smoking as shameful experiences because that’s how I felt with all of my experiences. I never got to choose to do them in my life, they were forced upon me in one way or another - so I try to make the choice for everyone else - when that comes across as controlling when the broken girl is just trying to come across as protective.